Foster Care.

Lately I have been thinking (A LOT) about becoming a foster parent. I kind of feel led to become one (he's doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do). I feel like it would give us a child (hopefully an infant) who is in need of a loving home...AND relieve us of the pressure and stress trying to conceive has brought on. We have talked a little about it before and it seems his concern is getting attached and then the child going back. I have talked to a few foster moms who say that it's impossible to not get attached...but if they are placed back in their home with their birth parents you have to believe that is what's best for the child. I have been thinking about this for awhile...but I seem to think about it more when I get a BFN or when AF arrives and I know I'm not pregnant. I don't want to "replace" our unborn child...or whatever. I just feel, like I said before, it would take the stress off of us (me), and we would have someone else to take care of and worry about other than conceiving.

Working at the daycare I have been exposed to A LOT of foster kids and foster parents...and their stories. Some are sweet success stories...some...not so much. Actually while I was working with an infant...Social Services (we had no idea) came in and removed her. It broke my heart for her, but I knew she would be better off.

When Nathan and I were dating (and even now)his great-grandmother would ask if I would ever become a foster parent. Back then, I was hesitant about it and really didn't consider it. Now that I know we are having such a hard time conceiving, I would do it in a second (not only for our benefit...but most importantly for the child's benefit). When she asked me that, Nathan's cousin's were foster parents who were trying to adopt their foster child. It was a very long process. She heard all of the stress and struggles they were going through and said that she didn't know if she could handle having a child in her life and then that child out of her life. I get where she's coming from but at the same time I don't. Yeah...I'm sure I would get super attached, but these kids NEED someone who loves them and can provide for them.

As you can see I'm really struggling with this. Nathan isn't as "on board" with this as I am. Don't worry...I would never go behind him and proceed with the process. I just have a lot on my mind...

So, What's your take on this? I know it may not be what I want to hear...but go for it. I need some honest opinions. :)

venting...again!

So, all of you know that we are trying to get pregnant and are having a hard time. It's extremely frustrating. Not only is it the most stressful thing I've ever been through...but it sucking the fun out of sex. Yeah...you heard right...sucking the fun out of sex!! I honestly never thought that would happen but, we have definitely reached that point. I know that's one of the major "rules" of trying is to keep it fun, but when you have to check everything to see if it's the "right time", how fun is that?? My poor husband feels like a tool (his words not mine) and I can't say that I blame him. I think he secretly likes it, but don't tell him I said that. haha

Not only is trying frustrating but what makes it worse...EVERYONE AROUND US IS PREGNANT!! I can seriously name at least 25 women who are pregnant. I know it always seems that way...when you want something everyone else in the world has it, but this is seriously our lives right now! I have to admit I'm a little jealous because this is something we have been trying so long to achieve (it feels that way at least). I'm really happy for those who are pregnant, don't get me wrong, but I just feel like it isn't fair. Why can't we be pregnant too?

Then...there are those people who feel sorry for us but yet want to give us advice. I mean...really?!?!?! I know they say things because they honestly don't know what else to say...or they are afraid of hurting our feelings, but, I mean really, you don't have kids and you're giving me advice on how to conceive one? Or...if they aren't giving advice...then they give "words of wisdom" so to speak. "Maybe it just isn't your time"...or (my favorite) "It will happen when it's suppose to". Ok...what time is that exactly...and can you make sure to tell my body so it will be ovulating that day??

I don't mind when people ask me how to process is going most of the time...I just hate how they respond to it. The conversation is always pretty much the same. They ask when I go back to the doctor, then they ask what will the doctor do next, and lastly they always end in "words of wisdom", their own personal conception story, or their friend's story.

Isn't funny how you never hear of anyone having PCOS or taking the same medicine that you're on until you're on it...or the medicine you will be taking?? Recently, I was talking to someone and she asked what the doctor would do next and I told her probably a sperm analysis and then he would put me on Clomid. She then preceded to WARN me about how her friend was on Clomid and became pregnant with twins!! Ok...so let's get this straight...I, right now, can't get pregnant with one and you're WARNING me I could get pregnant with two? And that's a bad thing how??? And...most of the time when they are telling you about this "friend", really isn't their personal "friend". It ends up being their BFF's cousin's uncle's sister-in-law's daughter's baby's daddy's first wife...or something crazy like that. (FYI--Clomid does increase the chance of having twins by 10% and triplets by 1%)

I'm sure you all are probably thinking something happened today or recently and it actually hasn't. haha I've had a pretty good day...just started thinking about things and how people react to them. I seriously hope I didn't step on any toes!! I really appreciate those of you who do understand where I'm coming from and who have helped me during this difficult time. I'm sure it will pass...it just isn't passing fast enough. But I guess all good things come in time (another "words of wisdom" I've been told).

Congrats to all of you who are pregnant or who have recently delivered. Never take a single second for granted!!

A New Look...

Recently, I've been going through some really rough times in my life and have decided to try my best to be myself. I know you all are probably thinking that's crazy...it should come naturally for someone to just be their own self. For me, it's been a real struggle lately. I always feel like I have to please others before pleasing myself and somehow I end up changing to achieve that. Well...no more! I'm trying my best to be me and love myself in the process. I feel like for the past couple of months or so I have completely lost who I am due to this fact. That's where the new blog title came from. No more making everyone else around me happy just so I can be miserable. I know I'll probably step on some toes along the way...but, to be honest, I don't care. I'm tired of changing to adapt to everyone else. Why don't everyone else change to adapt to me?? It isn't fair! I just recently (very recently) realized this. I have also just realized that I have only changed in a few aspects of my life. I feel I can be myself more around certain people than others. I know that all people change as they become older but I want my change to be for me and for the better, not the worse.

As you can tell I've been going though a lot lately. Most of it is pretty personal stuff that I really don't want to share to the whole wide world, but I will share the work aspect of it. Ok...so I'm a sign language interpreter in a school system. Here in Virginia we have to take a performance test every 3 years. This test is a 2 part test with 3 segments in each part. Very difficult. Last weekend I had to drive to Richmond (with my parents because Mr. C didn't want to ask off from work) to take this horrible test. I was really stressed over it...well...still am. How I do on this test influences my pay. Yep...that's right, how well I do effects my hourly wages. If I increase a level (now I'm a level II) I will get a pay increase, decrease a level I will get a pay decrease. And...I'm not talking $.50/hour...this is like $5/hour difference...which is a huge difference especially when you are the main source of income and just bought a brand new house! The worst part...I won't get my results back until late July!! So I'm hoping I increased a level...or at least stayed the same.

Thanks for hearing me out while I rant and rave. Just please remember me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to make this adjustment in my life.

Everyone have a good week! :)

Nothing new...

I know...I haven't updated in a while. My computer crashed (BOO!) and I just got it back today...a week later. Not a lot has happened since my last post. I took a 2 week break from my diet...and stayed within my 2-3lbs yo-yoing (somehow?). I started back today and so far so good. I actually have had my 8 glasses of water...which is a miracle.

During my huge break from blogging...I was nominated for my first award (Yay!!). So...here it goes. :)




Here's the instructions:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award
2. Paste the award on your blog
3. Link the person who nominated you for the award
4. Tell 7 interesting things about yourself
5. Nominate 7 bloggers or less
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominated.

I will be skipping 5 and 6 since everyone who follows me has already received the award.

Thanks, Tiffy!!


1. I'm terrified of heights/flying. I remember when I was like 8 or 9 years old my family was in Pigeon Forge and was going to pay to ride in a helicopter, we had already paid and were next in line...and I FREAKED OUT!!! Needless to say...we didn't ride.

2. I never really knew what I wanted to be when I was little. I mean...I played doctor, teacher, mommy etc. but never really knew what I wanted to be (my favorite was house/being the mommy). When I was in high school I was told by my ex I wouldn't have to work...that I could just be "barefoot and pregnant". HAHA!! Boy, how things have changed!!

3. I said I wanted to be a sign language interpreter in high school...not really meaning it. At the time I was working at the daycare and we had a little boy who had down syndrome. He used very little sign to communicate...and was the absolute cutest child I have ever seen!! He was my favorite kid there!! So, I started learning sign to communicate with him simple words like eat, milk, please, and so on. During teacher cadet class we had to teach the class something and have a lesson plan with it explaining how we learned what we were teaching and why we wanted to do it. I taught the class how to sign "Jesus Loves Me"...and later became a sign language interpreter. It's crazy how things work out...My second year interpreting, his aide was the mother of the students I interpreted for.

4. I have 3 tattoos and 2 piercings. My first tattoo I got when my husband and I had been dating about 9 months. Its two small butterflies (yes...a tramp stamp). One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex is because I lost my butterflies for him. So Nathan bought me my first tattoo so he would always give me butterflies. Cheesey I know! The second, our monogram in pink and white on the top of my back/lower neck. My most recent I got just for me...a treble clef and bass clef making a heart on the inside of my wrist. I have my tongue and navel pierced...most of the time I keep my tongue ring out because of work...but it doesn't grow back. Already have my next tattoo picked out and planning to get my nose pierced this summer with our niece, Alex. :)

5. I just started wearing nail polish like a few months ago. As a little girl...I bit my nails. As an adult...I didn't like the way it felt. I love having long nails or acrylic nails. Just recently I started painting my nails and love how my nails look painted (crazy...I know!). Being a sign language interpreter I'm not suppose to have my nails painted crazy colors but right now I mostly like bright pinks, reds, and dark purples. Needless to say...my nails are usually paint free during the week. :(

6. Since I was little I said I wanted three kids, two biological and one adopted (from China). I even had a name picked out for the Chinese daughter I always wanted...Halle Grace, BUT during the first couple of weeks of dating Nathan...I found out his mom's cousin had just adopted a little girl from China...and her name...Halle Grace of course. Right now I'm not really sure if we will ever be able to afford international adoption of any sort...especially from China. Maybe domestic adoption through foster care is right for us? I guess only time will tell...

7. The first night I met Nathan I knew I would end up dating him. Well...those weren't my EXACT words but we won't get into that. ;) We were both dating other people at the time and it took almost a year for me to come to my senses.


Well...I guess that's it for today. Have a great week. :)